Taking Control of my Depression

I just lied to my husband. Ok, it was about 5-10 minutes ago. I told him that as soon as I finished my sandwich I'd go to bed. Then I read another blog and I felt like I should write. Luckily, my husband is a forgiving man. I think he'll understand.

*Note to self: Don't read other people's blogs right before bed unless I plan on staying up and writing in my own blog as well*

I've been having a hard time lately. I don't know if it's mourning my mom (mother's day was hell), the chemicals in my body being off (highly likely) or a combination of both (I think it's this one), but I'm seriously depressed. Lately, the title of my blog is applicable. I'm having to SEARCH for joy. It's not within my view. I have moments of happiness, but I am not really happy, much less JOYFUL.

I've put up with this depression off an on since I was about 11--maybe before. I just clearly remember that after my uncle Charlie committed suicide, I got concerned about myself. I wasn't happy. It didn't matter what I did, I just wasn't happy. He died 6 months after my 11th birthday. That was when I first realized there was something seriously wrong. It's been that way ever since.

My depression is like a roller coaster; I have periods where I'm up--things are going well. Then I go down. I've tried hard to "hang in there", just hold on as long as I can. It seemed like depression was the driver and I was stuck in the back seat. In college it got really bad. I failed classes, couldn't motivate myself to go to class, much less do the homework. Getting on medicine helped me balance things out a lot, and I made it through massage school with only 2 B's (the rest were A's). I even was able to go off my medicine for a while (up swing), but my mom's cancer and subsequent death threw me for a loop. Since last July-ish, I've been fighting an overwhelming depression. I went back on medicine, it did a lot of good for a long time. Then my anxiety acted up. Medicine for that was added. Again, I was going well for a while. Now I find myself seriously depressed again. I don't care about my job. I don't care about eating or sleeping and I especially don't care about doing the things I love to do. I know I'm seriously depressed and it feels like my life is spiraling out of control.

This last Sunday I made a decision. I will not let depression control my life any more. After weeks of crying; after repeatedly getting sick because my emotional state was such a mess that my body couldn't fight the physical factors; I decided enough is enough. I will fight back. It's going to be the hardest fight of my life, but I will find a way to be happy, if it's the last thing I do.

First step? I went to the doctor to adjust my medicine. Yay for modern medicine! I now will be taking a combination of anti-depressants as well as an anti-anxiety medicine and hopefully, between the 3 of them, the chemicals in my body will cease to be a problem. I just started the new pill today so it'll be a week + before I really know if it's working. If it does, YAY! If not, back to the doctors! I refuse to let my body control me if I can take medicine to balance it!

Second step? I'm taking a vacation. Chris can't come. He has school, but maybe it's better this way. I'm not taking the vacation so I can socialize, or even really to relax. It's to change where I'm at, what I'm doing, and make me process what I can do to make my life better. Relaxing is just a benefit of doing this vacation. Chris's mom and dad have opened their doors to me so to Arizona I go! I'll be with people who love me, who are going to keep tabs that I don't get into a deeper depression, but who aren't struggling with the same things I am. I made sure to book it long enough that by the time it's over, instead of dreading going home, I'll be excited to sleep in my own bed and to be with my husband again. Hopefully I'll also come home with a changed perspective and a better ability to handle the day to day challenges that I'm facing.

Third step? I will do something to make me happy every day. It doesn't have to be big. My only rule is it can't be computer games or watching TV. Those make me forget I'm depressed, but they don't make me happy. Only things that really make me happy count.

Yesterday I reminisced about my friend Lora and booked the ticket to fly to Arizona. I texted one of my EFY girls who I'm hoping will become one of my best friends--Edna. She lives in AZ and might be the one who picks me up. At the very least, we'll visit while I'm down there. I also made brownies (and ate a couple.) Today, I massaged one of my favorite clients, I colored a picture of cookie monster, and now I'm blogging. They're all small things, but those are moments I was happy even though my body was telling me I should be depressed.

Sometimes I feel like giving up. I'm doing everything I can, but even coloring cookie monster and blogging doesn't take the depression away. I've prayed every night for help coping. I've been doing my callings. I've been trying to serve others. I even take my medicine, but I'm still depressed. If all that won't take it away, what's the point? It seems like I'm never going to be free of depression, so why even try?

The answer: Out of small things come that which is great. If I didn't take my pills, I'd be way more depressed (plus, we're trying to get the balance right, since it obviously isn't). If I didn't serve others or try to do the other things that make me happy, if I didn't take a break and color cookie monster every once in a while, my depression would be so much worse. The happiness I have in my life would be almost non existent. Those little happinesses keep me from wallowing in complete despair.

Starting now I refuse to let depression take me down any further, and I'm going to fight my way to the top again. If it takes 100 coloring books, reading the scriptures hours a day, and waking up at 6, I'll do it. I think all of those are extreme, but whatever it takes, I'm willing to do it because Depression has been winning for too long. It's even made me forget who I am. Don't worry though. Today I remember. If depression thinks it's going to win, it doesn't realize who I am.

I am Cynthia Crockett, daughter of Mark and June Pope, and a Daughter of God. I may have let depression fight it's course for a while, but I'm done just "hanging in there". I'm going to fight back. The scriptures promise blessings for those who do everything they can, and you better believe I will do everything I can. God will help me take care of the pieces I cannot take care of on my own. Oh, I'll still have down days. I may still even be "depressed", but I will be the one in control. I won't let depression wreak havoc on my life anymore. If I fight it until the day I die, I will fight it. And I will win.

Depression--you can try your best, but you will control my life no longer.