One year ago yesterday (July 19, 2010) I was in a horrible car accident. I was just trying to turn into my parking lot. The idiot was either drunk or high or both. He sped up to "go around" me. He didn't succeed in going around. He kind of went over... Long story short, my car flipped around. I don't know exactly what it did, but I had been driving south, and when the car stopped moving, I was facing north and my car was on it's side. The jeep that ran into me was on it's side as well, smashed against a telephone pole. The guy ran. He had no insurance. He had temporary tags for another car. And he had open alcohol in the vehicle. To my knowledge he's never been found.
These are some of the pictures I have:
My car is the blue one smashed against the light pole. As you can see, it's on it's side. My rear axle is broken, and things are coming out of the back of the car.
The other guys car is the jeep. It wasn't in that position at the end of the wreck. I can't remember exactly how it was, but it was more on the sidewalk. The tow trucks were already here by the time these pictures were taken. If you look close, you can see that one of our cars knocked down a stop sign and a light pole. What you're seeing is the back and bottom of my car.
In this last picture you can see more extensively what happened to the back of my car. It was declared totaled on the spot. My beloved Toyota Tercel was no more. I wish I had a picture of the front of the car as well. Oh well.Anyway, my body got really beat up. My right leg ended up on top of the dash board. My shoulders, neck, and back really hurt. I have been in treatment for this accident ever since.
That month after the car accident happened, things were a blur. I went to school and tried hard to meet the expectations of the teachers and program. It's hard doing massage therapy school when every move hurts. In order to get through clinic I had to take 800 mg ibuprofen before, and another 800 either during or after. I could only do 3 massages, and even that hurt really bad. Somehow I made it through.
August 30, 2010. I had just finished my morning class. I had a Structural II final that afternoon. I went into the hall and flipped open my cell phone to find a new text. "Call home asap." The words practically screamed at me. It was a message from my dad. I knew immediately what was going on. My mom was dying. She'd been on her last leg for a couple weeks. I panicked inside. Calling home confirmed my thoughts. My mom was unresponsive. She was breathing shallowly and couldn't even blink her eyes. The hospice nurses had told my dad she would be gone within the next day. I cried. People tried to comfort me, but what words could make me feel better? I steeled myself for the final and somehow pulled an A. I broke the rules and left my phone on because I didn't want to miss any important news. Nothing came. The second school got out, I rushed to get Chris and we drove to Salt Lake to see my mom before she died. I was in there when she did pass away. I was lying on the hospital bed next to her, holding her hand and stroking her hair. And crying. I watched my mother die.
Again, it seems like a blur. I didn't go to school the rest of the week. The only time I missed clinic was that Saturday. It was my mom's funeral. Instead of breaking down at school, I pushed harder. I got all A's and graduated in October. I was even motivated enough to enroll in and complete the Master Bodyworker program in Salt Lake--driving an hour there and back every day. At school, I was academic and pushed through. At home I was a wreck. My body still hurt from the accident. My emotions were all over the place. I can barely remember those months outside of school. I just hung on for dear life, praying things would get better.
Get better they did. June 2011 I went and visited my mother and father-in-law in Arizona. I took the vacation because I hadn't really had one since before my mom was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. It rejuvenated my spirit and I went home with a happy heart. I still really missed my mom, but I was on solid ground again. I hadn't been on solid ground for so long, I had forgotten what it felt like. Unfortunately, that was the eye of the storm.
July 7, 2011. I was having a lazy day, enjoying doing nothing when I got on my email. There was one from my dad's cell phone number. I opened it to read "Merrilene, Dad's wife, passed away last night." My heart dropped. Merrilene is my grandpa's second wife and the only grandma I've ever known. She married my grandpa when I was 3 or 4. For about as long as I can remember, she has been part of my life and now she's gone. Her funeral viewing was a week ago and her funeral last Wednesday. I missed my mom so much those days. I wanted to turn to her for support, but she wasn't there. I wanted to see her sitting next to my grandpa, holding his hand. Instead I had to. I didn't just mourn Merrilene. I had to mourn my mom all over again.
The day before Merrilene's viewing, July 11, 2011, I was running some errands. I drove through a green light headed north. An 18 year old kid wasn't paying attention. He ran the red light. We crashed. At the time, I didn't think much of it. I remained calm. I'm the one who called the police. I then called Chris to let him know and then immediately set up a chiropractic appointment and called my insurance. That night, I filed a claim with his insurance too. The kid was so grateful I wasn't yelling at him. I told him the truth: compared to my last accident, he was being incredibly responsible. Mistakes happen. He didn't run from it, but faced it. For that, I was incredibly glad. Also, no cars flipped and both cars could still drive. It seemed like a non accident compared to the other one.
But it wasn't. Our car isn't totaled--it's in the shop. We are driving a honking huge Ford F-150 (which I have come to love driving and HATE parking) from the rental agency. His insurance is covering all of that. I'm most surprised at how much my body hurts. Maybe it's because I saw the accident coming and braced for it. I don't know. But even though I don't hurt as bad as I did with the last accident, I HURT!!! My back, down my right leg (which was hitting the brake as the accident occurred), my wrists and palms of both hands, my neck and head all hurt. I have headaches every day. Even typing this is starting to bug my right hand a lot. Especially my thumb.
I haven't been able to work. I could try, but it would be ridiculous. I can't charge people for the crappy massages I would be giving. For deep massages, I really need my legs and back. For light massages, I need my hands and wrists more. Both are ruled out because of this accident. I'm not earning money and I'm spending it driving to and from the chiropractors and tomorrow I'm getting a massage. We're surviving, but only because Chris took out an extra loan at the start of the summer--a loan we didn't think we'd have to use. It was an "emergency" fund, and an emergency is taking it away.
Not surprisingly my depression has come back the last week and a half. I just feel down, and I can't sleep right. But unlike last year, I'm not broken. I'm not putting on a face just for school and coming home and crying every night. This year I'm in a better spot. Last year's BIG trials--the nasty accident and my mom's death--have prepared me for this year's SMALLER trials--this smaller (but still painful) accident and Merrilene's death.
I think it's interesting how God prepares us for future events. If I hadn't been in that first accident, I would be freaking out about how much pain I'm in right now. Instead, I'm hanging on and taking care of myself using methods I learned from the last one. I will heal faster from this one than I would have if I had never learned how to help myself heal. Looking back, my entire life seems like that. This even prepared me for that even which prepared for when this happened and which led me to be able to make it through that. Sometimes the following event is bigger than the previous one. Sometimes it's smaller. But every time I'm a better person and more capable of dealing with each situation because of the opportunities for preparation God has given me.
I don't know what will come next in life. I don't know if it will be harder or easier than my car accidents and my mom and Merrilene's deaths. What I do know is that God is preparing me for it right now. I can either grumble and complain about the rotten luck I've been having or stand up, put a smile on, and put my faith in God. Based on past experiences, trusting Him seems like the wisest thing to do.
(BTW, I feel tired now--apparently blogging was just what I needed. Good night world! Morning is sure going to come early!)
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