I am a pretty honest person. I may not always tell someone I dislike their food or that I think their clothes make them look fat. But I don't hide the truth either. I wouldn't say I love the food or that they look amazing unless they do. Matter of fact, honesty is one of the things I respect most in people. I do NOT like people lying to me. At all.
Yet today, I was tempted to lie. Twice. Both about the same thing. Here's the situation:
Today I got pulled over for speeding down a hill. I my foot on the brake--and not just because I saw the cops. I was trying to slow down. Then I saw the cops. 2 of them. On motorcycles. I kept my foot on the brake. They didn't get behind me right away so I thought I was in the clear. Maybe. I stopped at a red light. It was after it turned green and I started driving that the biker-cop pulled up behind me. I groaned and pulled over. I had just earned a bunch of money massaging 2 of my aunts. A ticket would mean I would have worked just to turn around and pay the part I'm not being taxed on to Sandy City. I was not happy at all. There's another reason I wasn't happy too. Here's that back-story...
In June, on my way home from another massage appointment, I got pulled over for speeding. I got a $120 ticket. I had to cough out MORE than I had earned giving 2 massages that day. Plus whatever I paid in gas to get there. Chris was really upset about it (justifiably). It actually led to the first argument we've ever had. In the end, I promised I wouldn't speed as much, and if I did, it would be to go the flow of traffic, not just to speed. I can't say I've done a perfect job. It takes a while to change habits. But I was trying. Hard.
So, I here I am, pulled over, waiting for the cop to come to my window thinking "Oh no...Chris is going to be upset." As well as "I just lost all the money I earned today...again" and "We can't afford to pay another ticket" and "This isn't going to be good for my insurance record" and "I was hitting the break!!!" I was upset. As I saw the cop coming to the window. I wanted to give him some fake story. Any fake story to make him feel bad for me and not give me the ticket.
Honesty pulled through. Because I'm an honest person. No sob story came out. I was frank and honest with him. (Of course, he did have the nerve to ask me how I was doing when he came up to the window. I wanted to shake him a bit and say "How do you think I'm doing? You just pulled me over and I'm about to get a ticket which made the last 3 hours of work, plus an hours drive almost pointless!") I was REALLY hoping he would still cut me a break, but those types of breaks don't happen to me. I got a ticket.
I drove away and burst into tears. The thing I hadn't realized in that moment I considered making up a fake story is that my real life story was about as good as any fake one. I've had a lot of bad things happen in the last year and a half. I emotionally can't handle much more getting thrown on my shoulders. Every little thing--like getting a ticket--feels so much bigger. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or anything. But when bad things do happen, it's like putting another rock on top of the boulder I'm carrying. I could have cried to the officer, but on top of being an honest person, I'm a stubborn one. I didn't want him to see how upset I was by this stupid ticket! Instead I cried for the next 15 minutes straight as I tried to find a parking lot for me to sit in until I calmed down.
My next almost lie? Chris. It wouldn't have been an outright lie. It would have been a lie of omission. I really, I mean REALLY did NOT want to tell him. "I could just pay it out of my private account and not use my discretionary money for a while and he'd never know..." The reality is he may never have known. But even if he didn't, I would have. I couldn't lie to Chris. Even if it meant getting into a fight again. (Except this time, I probably would have just cried instead of argued.)
So I sent Chris a text telling him about the ticket and that I hadn't been trying to speed. It kind of just happened. And then I cried a lot. Called my sister to try to distract me (not crying). Got off the phone and cried some more. I had been having a fabulous day before. At that point it kind of sucked. I had another massage to do so I had to force myself to stop crying and drive home to get more sheets.
Chris met me in the parking lot with the sheets and pulled me in his arms and said. "I believe you." I almost cried again. But if I had, those tears would have been tears of relief. My husband believed me.
That's why I didn't lie to the police officer or to Chris. When I tell people something, they believe me. Because I am an honest person. With Chris, telling the truth resulted in some healing on my part and support I wouldn't have had if I'd hid the ticket from him (plus it saved me from a potential nasty confrontation if he'd somehow found out). It built the bond of trust we already have.
Lying to the police officer really couldn't have made anything worse in that specific situation. I got the ticket even though I told the truth. But I feel better about myself. I even feel good for not trying to share my REAL sob story with him. I accepted fault for my actions, even though they were unintentional and I feel good about it (even though my wallet hurts!). And on top of it, I am not letting myself develop a habit of lying to people. That's important.
As long as I stay honest, throughout my life I will hear these words again and again:
"I believe you."
Right on. As Captain Jack Sparrow would say,
ReplyDelete"It's the honest ones you gotta look out for."
When my room belonged to my older brother, he wrote a quote by Samuel Clemens on the wall (which quote is still there, right next to my head when I'm lying down): "When in doubt, tell the truth." Probably one of the best things my brother has done for me, and he doesn't even know it. I've learned that, despite possible consequences, being honest is just plain easier. The problem with lying is you have to remember what you said and live up to it (or lie some more to make it seem like you're living up to it), and that can have a maddening effect on the liar and cause a heck of a lot more damage in the long run.
Besides... life is so complex, true stories are usually better than made-up ones anyway. I'm much more impressed if something has actually happened to someone.
Keep it up--the world needs honest people now more than ever before.