I mostly live in two worlds--school and church. In each of these environments I have thing that define me. I have roles to play and I am accepted. I love my life in these places but in both of them I feel a disconnect. They also don't overlap almost at all. I am living two separate lives and I'm not sure I belong in either of them.
Let's start with school, it's a bit simpler.
I go to the local community college. It has been a fantastic experience and I expect it will continue to be so. More important than any of the classes I've taken is the knowledge I've gained about myself and my capabilities. I've learned I can work hard an by doing so I can achieve a lot. For the first time in my life I received a 4.0! My average grade point average is a 3.8. I'm on the Dean's List. I'm in the honors program and I just barely became the president of my campus' chapter of Phi Theta Kappa--the international honors society of community colleges. I'm pretty sure my name could be placed next to the definition of success--at least when it comes to school.
I'm also surrounded by a lot of friends and I'm well liked. To my knowledge people don't go around complaining about me. I go to school and get my social fix. I think I'd go nuts if I didn't have school/friends at school.
Yet I still feel disconnected. I think a lot of it has to do with my age and circumstances in life. Let's be honest, it's a community college. The large majority of students who attend just got out if high school. Most if the rest are coming back in mid-life to try and better themselves. There are almost no students my age. I'm 25 and I hang out with 18-20 year olds. None of them are married. I love my friends--I have so much fun with them--but sometimes when they talk about their lives I feel like a complete outsider. I don't live in that world anymore. And sometimes I don't feel like I can share a lot of the core things that make me, well, me. Especially when it comes to my married life. They just won't understand. So even though I have a place and am happy I don't quite feel like I belong.
Then there's church. Again, I love it--and not just the religion part (though obviously that's most important to me). I am a primary teacher--currently teaching 6-7 year olds the basics of the New Testament. I am also the ward (congregation) choir director, a position I am not qualified for at all, but one I absolutely love! Even thinking about it makes me happy. Music is such a core part of me and (almost) every week I get to be involved in the creation of it. When it comes to church, I definitely have my place.
Through my church I have a social life. I don't know as many people as I'd like--after all I spend 2/3 of my time at church with a bunch of 6 & 7 year olds. Relief Society (the women's organization) provides opportunities to get to know the women in my ward. And choir has helped me make friends. I honestly think one of the reasons I love choir so much is the social aspect. I get to interact with people and it's a lot of fun.
Once more, however, I just don't quite fit. I'm not the same age as almost any of the other women. The majority of them are in their 30's with children of varying ages. While we regularly have new babies, they are generally the second or third or fourth or even more! When the women get together they talk about their kids. Moms can't help it. I completely understand and I know I will do the same when I have my own kids. But as a married women without kids, I end up not talking--just being in the sideline listening. It was less awkward when I was the youngest married woman in the ward but now I'm not. There are a couple others my age-ish. Of course they already have kids already or are now pregnant/trying to get pregnant. And I'm not there yet. Even though I've been married for almost 4 years I'm not there. Most of the time none of this matters but every once in a while it does matter and I feel completely alone.
With neither of these worlds overlapping I can't just take the bits of each that I love and mesh it into one solid environment. Instead I'm jumping back and forth between two places I love but don't quite belong in.
Which brings me back to my original question: where do I belong?
I'm sure I'm not the only (non teenager) person trying to figure this out yet I can't help but feel alone as I ponder like this. Being in the middle ground in 2 different places and trying to balance both of these places at the same time feels very lonely at times.
The good news is I love the worlds I live in and so as I sort through my belonging issues I will have places to thrive. Best of all, even though I don't feel like I quite fit, I get to learn how to be the best primary teacher-honors student-choir director-phi theta kappa president my ward and school have ever seen.
