You want to know how I am? Here it goes....

I realize I don't know how many of you even read these. No matter what, it's therapeutic to write them. Especially today's. Yes, I know that before I've even written it. :P

The last couple weeks have been different. The last few days have felt like months. Where to start? I don't know what the beginning is and I really don't want to post a detailed description of everything that's going on. I'll just keep typing and eventually it'll come out, right?

The deal is this: I'm playing nurse, chauffeur, house keeper, nanny, full time student, and part time TA all at the same time. I thought my semester was busy before. Now I'm exhausted.

My mom has a growth in her pancreas. She's being the ultimate optimist and is treating it like it's not cancerous, but the reality is it's most likely cancerous. It's located in the part of the pancreas where almost every growth is cancerous. It looks like we caught it fast enough to remove it, the only hope of survival for pancreatic cancer. But there is no guarantee. And even if we caught it in time, my mom is still at the moment really sick and about to undergo a major surgery.

Because I'm the adult living at home who isn't sick and isn't financially supporting the family, I've kinda taken over running things. I'm in charge of making sure the house stays under control, the dishes get done, the rooms are tidy, there are plenty of towels, groceries, meals, etc. My brother helps me cook, and I can normally make my younger siblings help out, but it's sometimes like pulling teeth. If they don't do it, I have to or it remains messy. My dad is sick so he can't help out much. Because my dad is a teacher and at school all day, I run my mom to each doctor's appointment. I make sure she gets her medicine, both from the pharmacy, and also that she takes it. Every 4 hours. After she took it late one night and had a rough day the next day (we're not 100% sure they're connected, but since they might be...) I've made sure she takes it. Even to the point of waking up at 3:30 last night. Then I stayed up and talked with my mom because she was mentally alert, which she hasn't been most days. I needed that time.

On top of this, I still have to do school and my own job. Yes, I'm behind. Oh, and I don't go to classes right now. Yes, I've contacted my professors. It's just so much to do. I personally consider work and school much less important than doing this for my family. But I know I have to do them all. I think I'm starting to burn out. I need a break, but with my dad not feeling well, who would take charge for the afternoon of my break?

I can't bring myself to stay away for any more time than that. As much as I need a break, I need to be here and helping. If I weren't here, I would be having a harder time coping. Here, I can do something. I can help my mom by doing the dishes, making her take her medicine, keeping tabs on my brother and sister. I can help by holding her hand when she doesn't feel good. As hard as it is to see everything first hand, it's also easier in some ways.

Life doesn't seem real, but it is. My mom the one who lays in bed most days? are you sure? yes. It's my mom. I'm hoping this pain medicine works better and that when my sister comes up this weekend, I can find some time to sneak out. I can't let my parents know how worn out I am because then they'd try to make me stop helping so much, and they need me to help. And I need to help. I just need an afternoon break... and my text book information to magically appear in my head...and the papers/tests to magically grade themselves. If those things happened, I'd be doing great. If it only weren't too much to ask... :P

Honestly, I'm doing pretty well. All things considered, I'm handling things well. It's taken from Monday until Thursday for me to feel like I was going to crash. That's pretty good, if I say so myself. I've crashed faster for other things. Like when I was an EFY counselor. Yeah. I cried my 2nd or 3rd day. This is going on my 4th/5th and I haven't broken down into tears.

Life is stressful but I can make it through. Yes, I'm going to shoot this bear too. And help my mommy shoot hers as well.