The Search

Sometimes my search for joy is literal. I feel like joy is lost. Not that it's disappeared forever. Just missing. Like I misplaced it. Maybe I put it under the bed? Of course I can't search for it under the bed. Joy isn't something you leave around. It's something that because I let life take over I lose for a while. And it's something I can find again.

Today kind of feels like one of those days where I left the joy somewhere and don't know exactly where to find it. I'm sitting at work, doing nothing. My apartment is a mess. I haven't exercised in weeks. I don't seem to have time when I'm at home to do any of the things i need to and then when I'm away from home I have plenty of time and nothing to do. I don't get enough time with Chris. My body hurts most of the time from the car accident. My life feels out of balance. I'm depressed. I have lots of anxiety lately. And mostly, I miss my mom.

I always find things in the last place I look. No one keeps looking after they find what they're looking for. I'm no exception. Unfortunately joy isn't like the hair tie I couldn't find this morning. The hair tie is in one location. Once i found it, I found it. Unless I wanted to find another one, my search is complete. Joy on the other hand can come in pieces. If I stop searching when I find one piece, I lose the opportunity to have more joy.

Right now as I'm writing this, I feel like my mom is with me. It's a piece of joy. I don't feel so alone or sad. But if I stop searching for joy now, the moment my mom's spirit leaves, my joy will disappear. I'll lose again all the joy. So I have to keep searching. I know I'd be happier if I exercised for example. So, I need to get into some sort of exercise routine. I'm definitely happier when I get Chris time. I freed up my fridays so I could get some. Tomorrow maybe i can clean some. Either this week or next week I'll go to the temple. I'll study my scriptures. In each of these things I'll find a piece of joy.

The other thing that's different about searching for joy vs searching for my hair tie is what happens after you find it. Once I find the hair tie, as long as I put it where it goes, it stays there. It doesn't go away. Joy can't be put where it goes and left alone. Joy, left alone, gets lost again. You have to keep joy close to you, don't put it down, do everything you can to keep it there, or else when you turn around, it might have disappeared.

I don't want to lose my joy once i find it. I've been searching for joy for a long time. I've found it many times. But i keep losing it again. I'm determined to try harder this time to keep it around. Once I start exercising, I'll keep doing it. I will take care of my body--keep going to the chiropractor and go to a massage therapist so the pain will lessen or go away. I will read my scriptures every day, not just periodically. I will attend the temple more regularly. And if i feel the joy start to leave me, I will remember it's ok.

Joy never completely disappears. It just gets lost for a little while. With a little bit of searching, I will always be able to find it again.