Response to the "Pants" debate

First, I should clarify that this is a conversation aimed at members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or Mormons. Others can read this, but you may miss some of the cultural references. Please understand this refers to mostly cultural or structural matters, not the religion itself.

I don't normally respond to things like this. I will like one side or the other, sometimes I'll share other people's posts, but overall stay out. The reason I do that is the very reason I feel compelled to write this post.

The last few days I have watched my Facebook feed explode with posts about "Wear Pants to Church Day". Because of my sister in law, I have known about this event for over a week. Here is one of the original posts--a simple photo, the request to wear pants, and a quote.  Since this started, many have expressed their opinions. Some of the posts have warmed my heart. Others have simply made me sad. This is my response to all of this.

In an attempt to stand together and show that they are a strong unit in the church, to express their desires of equality, a small group of Mormon feminists decided to join together and wear *dress* pants to church on December 16, 2012. They did not expect it to spread beyond their group and friends/family of members of the group. The response has been overwhelming. Some of it has been positive. Much of it has been negative. There are even people who have been downright offensive. The leader of the group even had a death threat. All over wearing pants to church. *(added after people expressed confusion)*

When I first heard about the day, I expressed my opinion that while I supported some of their cause and applauded their desire to reach for what they believe, I wouldn't be joining them. I knew that if I wore pants, it would distract me from what is most important: Focusing on the Savior during church. This was when it was a small group. Because of the response they have received, I wish I could go back and alter what I said and how I said it (I know I technically could, but it would really mess up the conversations that followed, and I think they are important). 

Yet now I'm incredibly frustrated. It doesn't matter whether I wear pants or a skirt tomorrow, it will be hard to focus on what's important. If I wear a skirt, both sides will think I side with the "skirts are the only appropriate attire" group. If I wear pants, the "skirts" side will think I'm a hard core feminist and rebelling against the church. Neither are true, and both of them are unfair. And yet I know this is the responses I will get from some people. Instead of focusing on Sacrament meeting and the need to come closer to Jesus, I will be observing everyone's clothes. If it weren't for the thoughts I had that led me to post, church would be difficult for me on Sunday.

I don't think the idea behind the pants was a bad one. They were taking a stand and expressing their beliefs. I did feel that Sacrament meeting wasn't the best place to do it, but I was supportive of their desires. I don't agree with everything they say, but I do agree with some of it, and regardless of my belief it was clear they believed it. My only problem with the day was my concern it would distract me, something that will happen regardless at this point. I did feel a little attacked on one of the feeds I posted on by a couple feminists who did not understand my message, but other feminists stood up for me and then explained why they disagreed. Overall, I felt like they were very understanding and polite. Not all of them, but most.

On the other side I have seen everything from polite disagreement to all out attack. Most don't understand the goals behind the day. Without actually reading the articles, many are brutally opinionated. One person railed about how the feminists were so "prideful"--a statement full of judgement and pride.

As I said, I know some of the people in the group that started this. They are honest, loving, faithful members of the church. Their goal is not to spread contention. Their goal is not to attack the church. They simply see what they believe as a need for change and are pursuing it. As stated, some of the things I agree with, some I don't. But I do see why they have formed a group. The cultural and sometimes structural parts of the Mormon faith are not always fair to women.

One example that has been fixed is the change in missionary age for women. Instead of having to wait 2 years after the men, they can go at about the same time. This has not only made them more equal, it has limited the Mormon (especially Utah Mormons) expectation that most girls will get married by 21. Before the age change, a few people I know seemed to think that if a girl goes on a mission it's because you just couldn't catch a man--though I believe this was not mainstream thought.

This drop in age has had another "equalizing" benefit. Women and men can go to the temple to receive their endowments at approximately the same age. This was something that frustrated me as a young adult. I was worthy and spiritually prepared to receive my endowments by the age of 19. I knew I was ready. God knew I was ready. I even had a bishop who knew I was ready. But the church recommends that young people (early 20's) shouldn't receive their endowments until A) they go on a mission, or B) get married. The rule is to help people from falling into temptation after agreeing to more covenants. There are exceptions made and the final decision is up to the stake president. My stake presidents had an across the board "no" policy. I had to wait until I was 21 and got married. I'm so grateful that my daughters will not have to go through the same frustration I did.

A cultural example that is less serious is the boys get to go on tons of camping trips and the girls get one a year. A lot of people assume girls don't want to go on more--a sexist assumption. I would have LOVED to go camping more. It always frustrated me to see my brothers going on all these trips and I had to stay home. On the other side, my husband HATES camping. He would have been glad to stay home most of those trips. The liking camping/disliking camping is not a gender thing. Some like it. Some don't.I believe boys and girls should be treated equally in this regard. There are a few other examples I could give, but I'm going to move on.

Across Facebook I have seen many attacks on the Mormon feminists. One of the attacks on these women that makes me mad is the statement that wearing pants to church is dressing like "men". First, if dressing like "men" had never been attempted, all of you women would be wearing skirts every day, not just on Sundays. Second, there is no church rule that says women cannot wear pants to church. The church leadership has simply asked that we be modest and dress in our best. I would rather see someone wearing a pant suit than some of the immodest clothing or very casual apparel I see. But no matter how someone dresses, what right do I have to judge? Who am I to judge another person's journey? Judging others is not my job. My job is to become like my Savior.

Jesus taught that we should love one another. He taught that we should not judge, that we should even treat our enemies with respect--we should pray for them. If this is His call, why are we so willing to attack each other? To judge another man's (woman's) actions? Why are we so willing to condemn another person's opinion of how things should be? Many of the responses I've seen sadden me. They are not at all in line with the Savior's teachings. I remember hearing a story about a man who didn't want to go to church because all he had was overalls. The bishop asked him to come anyway and wore overalls that Sunday too so the man would not feel alone or judged. That bishop understood what it means to be like Christ. Jesus doesn't care if we come to church in pants, skirts, or overalls. His concern is the thoughts of our hearts and our willingness to come unto Him.

Sunday, especially Sacrament meeting, is about turning ourselves to our Savior, Jesus Christ. I hope this Sunday, instead of focusing on who is wearing pants and who is wearing skirts, we can turn ourselves to Him and treat others the way He would treat them.