An Inside View of Generalized Anxiety and Bipolar Disorder

Today is the last day of Mental Health Awareness Week. All week I've been reading a lot of posts about different mental illnesses and their effect on people. I figured I was content with my one frustrated statement on Facebook but it turns out I was wrong.

Today I've been struggling with some pretty severe anxiety. This isn't the "I'm having anxiety" most people think of. It's not even like some people who have anxiety targeted to specific things, such as agoraphobia. It's anxiety for absolutely no reason whatsoever that is overwhelming me. I just want to climb back in bed and go to sleep. It's not that I don't have motivation to do things. It's not exactly fearing anything. I just feel paralyzed within myself.

I took some medicine so hopefully it'll calm down.

But it sucks. On days like today I have to take extra medicine just so I can function at all. I have homework to do. I have a primary lesson to prepare. I have to pick out more Christmas songs for choir. None of these are pressing but I intended to do them today. I also was hoping to clean the bathroom. These things aren't happening now. Even after the medicine kicks in I will no longer have time to do most of them. Anxiety has crippled my day. 

I'm lucky. I don't have this kind of anxiety every day. I probably would have it a whole lot more if I weren't on mood stabilizing medicine. Before I was pulled off my antidepressant I experienced it even less. Antidepressants often double as anti-anxiety medicine but they can create cycling for people with bipolar disorder so I was taken off mine. This change has helped me become more balanced but my anxiety has increased.

This leaves me with a question: Which is worse, experiencing more mood swings or periodically dealing with crippling anxiety? 

If I didn't know what it's like to be bipolar I'd totally choose to have the mood swings over the anxiety. Anxiety sucks. But being bipolar I see mood swings in a different way light.

I've found that as I talk with people about being bipolar they don't get it. Because I have a "milder" case (in other words I don't go into a full mania) and an inherently optimistic and logical personality people often don't realize there is something wrong. When I talk about mood swings they think "oh, I have those too." And they're right. A man with bipolar disorder once wrote that all people experience mood swings. The difference is their mood swings are just not as drastic and destructive as bipolar mood swings. He is 100% dead on.

A good comparison is literally swinging. Our lives are like being on a swing set. As we swing, everyone goes up and down. Some people go higher up. Some swings are lower. Some jokingly twist as they go because it's fun but eventually they straighten out because it's lost it's appeal. Life is a bunch of ups and downs. That's normal.

Being bipolar is like twisting around wildly and going super high at the same time. 

And you can't stop.

It may seem fun at first but you can't quit twisting. Not when you're dizzy or sick or anything else. You just keep going. Highs and lows repeating themselves over and over while you swing wildly around. There are only two ways to stop the out of control swinging: jumping off (suicide) or with someone stepping in and straightening out your swing (medicine is generally involved in this). 

People who are bipolar all swing at different speeds. The amount of twisting varies as well. How high/low they go can be starkly different. Again, I'm lucky. I have never had a full mania. I don't swing almost-flipping-over-the-top high. I'm incredibly grateful for that. Manias may feel fun while in them, but they are very destructive. I don't know exactly what it feels like to have a more volatile version of bipolar disorder. All I've ever experienced is my own and mine sucks. Props to those who deal with worse. Really. I respect you. A lot.

I experience Bipolar NOS. I often experience rapid cycling and sometimes my moods can switch within minutes. On medicine this doesn't really happen. There are definitely mood shifts, but it's a lot like the basic swinging with only minor twisting here or there. I go up and down with everyone else. Unless I don't take my medicine. Or I mess up my schedule. Or I spend several hours in an intense/exciting situation and don't balance it with down time. Or I don't eat well. Or I have a lot of stressful things going on. Etc.

If I take my medicine the other things I do/don't do have a minor impact. But if I have too many "triggers" at once then my swing does some wild twisting for a while. Nothing like it does without me being on medicine, but the swinging still really messes with me. If I want to keep swinging normally I have to be aware of everything I do. There have been many days that in order to keep myself from swinging out of control again I've had to not do things I want to do or even that I'm supposed to do.

I'm always making hard choices.

Such as whether or not I turn one assignment  in late or have a hard time making it to school for the rest of the week. Leaving a party early or spend an hour upset over stupid things and crying for absolutely no reason. Spend all Sunday afternoon in my bed relaxing/sleeping instead of being with family or emotionally shutting down for a few days.

Some choices are really hard.

What's worse, a twisting swing of mood changes or periodic crippling anxiety?

Do I go on an anti-anxiety medicine that may negatively affect my mood stability or do I keep my medicine the same and have more anxiety?

I'm going to be bipolar and deal with anxiety for the rest of my life. These things don't magically disappear. The severity may change, but there are going to be pieces of these disorders in my life until I die. I guess somewhere in the next 70 (give or take 10) years I'm going to figure this all out. Until then it's going to be a bunch of hard choices. Sounds vaguely like how the rest of life works...

Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Bipolar Disorder are two facets of who I am but they are not all of who I am. All in all I have a good life. Thanks to medicine I have mostly balanced moods and days like today aren't an everyday experience. I have a lot of people who love me. I have God in my corner. I'm not alone and I know that when my swing starts spinning out of control I have countless people ready to step in and help balance me out. I truly get more than I give.

For people with bipolar disorders, support makes all the difference. Thank you for supporting me.