The last few months have been really rough for me. My depression was running rampant and my anxiety was limiting my day to day actions. So, as soon as I got settled in (I moved to another city btw), I got myself in to see a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist. For the first time in my life I am seeing BOTH and they have access to each others files so I am getting FULL treatment! Yay? Mostly I feel YAY! But part of me is going "What did I do?" Here's why:
First thing they did was up my anti-depressant. This was done for 3 reasons. 1: To treat my depression. 2: To better treat my anxiety. 3: to see if it would throw me into a full mania....
Yeah. I'm bipolar. After being on the increased dose of Effexor (my anti-depressant), I had such bad mood swings that the diagnosis has been made. Now I'm on Effexor and a mood stabilizer. I'm praying this works because I can't live life the way I have the last few weeks.
At first, I just thought the Effexor wasn't working. I still felt down a lot. I kept telling myself "It takes a while for meds to kick in." So I hung in and waited. And then I started having not just good days, but GREAT days. Life was wonderful; sunshine and butterflies kind of days. But in between those days I had some of the worst days of my life. I would go from feeling like I could do anything to wondering why I was even alive. I never was suicidal, but I hated life.
When the jumps first started, they would take a couple days and they weren't so far off from each other. Just good day/bad day. As time went on, however, it became apparent that this wasn't just Effexor working. I was having full fledged mood swings and starting about 2 weeks ago, they could change at the drop of a hat. I would be having a great day and then one little thing would happen and I would end up having a horrible day. Or vise-verse. Sometimes there was no apparent reason for the switches. I would be happy one minute, bawling the next, and then I would be practically singing because life was so great.
I don't think my depression actually got any worse. What I think happened was the good was SOOO good that it made the depression SEEM worse. Either way, the good times were FABULOUS and the bad times were beyond hell. Like I said, in those moments I hated life.
So I went back in to my Psychiatrist (I'd been seeing my psychologist every week) and my psychiatrist said "Remember how we mentioned you had some bipolar symptoms? Well, lets put you on a mood stabilizer and see what happens."
Honestly, I don't know if they're working yet because I've pretty much slept the last 2 days. One of the side effects of the meds is drowsiness. I talked with someone who has been on this particular medicine and they said it wears off--I won't be so drowsy in a few days. And today was better than yesterday. But I haven't had a crazy high since I started taking them, which is either coincidence or a result. Either way, without a crazy high, my lows don't feel so low. I kind of feel normal tonight. I like feeling normal.
At the same time, the diagnosis of bipolar makes me go "Another thing?". How many things does one girl have to worry about? On the other side, as my husband so kindly reminded me when I complained, this isn't ANOTHER thing. It's the same thing that is correctly diagnosed. Meaning maybe I'll actually get better.
The reason my bipolar is hard to diagnose, and the reason we upped my Effexor to see what would happen is simple: I don't get into a full mania. Even the last few weeks with all my crazy mood swings I only ever get into what's known as hypo-mania. This means I'm in the manic spectrum...but really low. Hence the hard to diagnose. I don't do crazy things. I don't do things way out of character. I don't feel invincible or anything like that. I just feel GREAT. Which sounds like a good thing.
My psychologist likes to say "if I could put all my depressed/bipolar patients in a hypo-manic state, I would." Again, makes hypo-mania sound like a good thing. The problem isn't the hypo-mania. It's the swing between the hypo-mania and the rest. Even normal feels depressing when good feels beyond great. If I could STAY hypo-manic, we would just leave me be. But I can't. So more meds to try and "fix" me--or to fix the chemical imbalance my body has.
Overall, I'm glad I am getting treated. I really, REALLY want to feel normal again. I want to wake up knowing that there are more options than just a great day or a horrible day. I want to be able to feel just ok some days. I want to feel content. I'm so glad that that is going to be an option again!
Yet part of me doesn't like this new diagnosis...
Luckily, I have a psychologist to help me work through those emotions!
Im sorry to hear, but glad and hopefully they will be able to get to the bottom of it! Prays are headed your way! :)
ReplyDeleteGood for you. your hubs is right. Its not "another" thing--just with another name. Feels like a lot though--just remember you are not bipolar, bipolar is something you happen to have. like a faulty heart valve. only its a brain thing--kind of an important organ, its too bad there is still so much stigma out there about getting treatment for your brain. and how amazing is it that we have the medical technology now to help with this all important organ when it isn't functioning "normal" for me I've realized, this is my "normal" my goal is to not have my medical conditions take my life away. Its different, yes. But that different can be so beautiful. Don't judge yourself against your past self, or what you want your future self to be. Keep listening to the doctors, working through the faulty thinking we grew up with--you are amazing, you are strong. I know you have felt weak but your strength shines through your illness. You have a gift of courage to share and be willing to not hide what life is for you. Embrace the gifts, they come with the "condition" for where there is weakness, there is also great strength. Shine on lou. Shine on.
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