Real Hope for the Future

I've been on my medicines for almost 2 weeks now and I still feel normal.  Most of the time I'm just content with life. And that is AWESOME! I don't even remember the last time I spent almost 2 weeks just content. Seriously, these meds are a blessing in my life.

I'm on 3 medicines right now. One, Effexor for my depression, I was on before the change. The other 2 are mood stabilizers though only one is really helping me right now. We're really hoping Lamictal will become my long term medicine. It has very few side effects but the dose has to be increased slowly, so I'm only on a tiny bit right now. This week I up it again. In the mean time, Geodon is my friend. So far it's been great in terms of mood stabilizing. While I like the me I am, I'm still hopeful the Lamictal will work because there are several less than desirable side effects on the Geodon.

I've actually had a few people who've wondered if the cure is worse than the disease. I don't blame them. I am really jittery, have developed a slight stutter, and if I don't get to sleep before midnight I turn into a pumpkin...or at least I end up sleeping most of the next day. The drowsiness is the hardest for me to deal with. But I can't agree with their sentiments. While the "cure" is a little rough right now, it's getting better. I'm learning how to manage the symptoms and some of them are getting better. But even if they didn't decrease, I would take them any day over where I was before. 

Looking back at the weeks before I got on the medicine all I see now is a couple rays of sunshine surrounded by storm. And it was a vicious, vicious storm. Those are honestly some of the worst weeks of my life. Even with the wonderful high's I experienced, I wouldn't go back for anything.

So yes, I'm grateful for the medicines. I'm still hopeful that I can end up on the Lamictal long run since it has the least amount of side effects, but if not, I'll deal with the Geodon or whatever other medicine I end up on because I'm grateful to be here, to be content, and to know that tomorrow the same will probably be true.

This doesn't mean I'm never scared. I may be the same person I was before, but I had no idea what I was dealing with (scarier). Now I have to figure out how to balance my life in a way to not allow triggers to throw me off and to keep myself in the happy middle. Knowledge is power though. Knowing I have the disease means I've already come leaps and bounds. I'm also reading everything I can get my hands on to learn more. This diagnosis did not make me worse. And while a little scary at times, I know the knowledge I have gained is making me better.

For the first time in a long time I have real Hope for the Future. I believe that I'm going to be a happy person. I believe that I will someday be a good mom. And I believe that I will find my Joy.