My life has been so topsy-turvey lately that I am unsure where I currently stand. Is my life right side down or upside up? I mean upside down or right side up. I only have two stationary points in my life: my belief system and my husband. I don't know if I'm standing upside down or right side up but at least I know I'm standing because of them. Beyond my faith and my husband, my life seems very much out of my control.
Since my diagnosis as somewhere on the bipolar spectrum (whether I'm bipolar II, cyclothymic, or bipolar not otherwise specified is still up for debate), I've felt really confused and a bit frustrated. At first I was incredibly grateful for medicine because it meant I had some sense of stability in my life. I'm still grateful for the medicine but the side effects are starting to really annoy me. They make it harder for me to know how to plan my life. And so does my diagnosis. I have not been able to do many of the things I love and working. Luckily I work for myself so I haven't lost my job--just not built my business any further. Financially it's been straining, emotionally it's been rough (though better than pre-medicine), and physically it's taken it's toll too.
I tried to share my frustrations with my psychiatrist and he told me he diagnosed me with the lowest level of bipolar to stress how mild this is. I wanted to laugh. If this is so mild, why am I on two medicines for it and why do I feel out of control? Maybe my life would feel more out of control if I had a more "severe" diagnosis, but my feelings are still valid. My life has not been the same since I upped my anti-depressant at the beginning of June. It spiraled completely out of control, medicine stabilized it some, but I feel like a little kid who has been spinning so long I can't make the world hold still.
This week I've had to face the fact that I can't do what I did before. I've been in Arizona trying to find a job and I realized I have no idea if I can even work a regular job right now. My medicine makes me excessively sleepy in the morning. Some days that doesn't go away at all. Emotionally I can't take much more and so the finding a job process has been particularly rough. It's a rough economy and I have no skills outside of massage and children. Nothing has opened in those directions.
Finally my husband told me over the phone I need to stop stressing about a job. My mother in law sat me down the same day and told me to stop looking for a job. She said it was more important for me to figure out what it means to have my diagnosis and get myself balanced right now. Half of me wants to disregard this advice. We need the money. The rest of me realizes they are right. I can't hold down a job if my world is still spinning. Right now I need to use blind faith and trust that God's going to help us out while I'm going through this trial.
And somehow, making that decision makes the world spin just a little less.
Good luck to you, Cindy! I've been feeling awful on the meds I'm taking right now, too. Extreme fatigue, constant nausea, and I feel starving all the time. My period was really late for the first time ever too, so in combination with those side effects, I honestly thought I was pregnant. At least my emotions are more stable. Still on the low end of the spectrum, but at least stable.
ReplyDeleteAt this point I'm thinking of trying volunteer work that I find meaningful. I know I want to get out of the house, and feel fulfilled in what I do, but I haven't felt capable or desirous of too many job options. I'm okay with that, but it's hard when you crave independence.
You are blessed to have God and Chris as supportive anchors in your life! I hope that life settles down to a comfortable place for you. :)