Day 8--Getting back on my feet

My math test was today. I did NOT fail it. I passed! I got 80% which is a whole lot better than I would have done if I hadn't studied so much, but I'm still a bit disappointed. There is nothing else I could have done to get ready beyond learn it somehow in my sleep. I don't blame myself for not getting a better score. I did the best I could. But knowing my all only gets me an 80% is a bit hard. In high school when I was doing Calculus, I worked less than this and I always got 90% or above. I can't help wondering whether my medicine is making me think slower. I mean, my brain used to run miles and miles a minute. Now it goes slower, still ridiculously fast, but slower. What if the thing that's helping me is also making it harder for me??? Taking my medicine would still be worth it, so I'm not going to spend anymore time focusing on that.

Anyway, doing 80% still wasn't that bad, even though I worked 100% and thought I would get at least 90%. I hope for straight A's. I'll work towards straight A's. If I don't get straight A's I'll be proud of whatever I get as long as I did my best. The part that really threw me off was what happened the last bit of the test.

For whatever reason, me and the lady who runs the testing center (which is very small by the way) were not on the same page. My computer said I had 40 minutes left. She came in to tell me I had 15 because the testing center was closing. She, with a harsh tone, referred back to a conversation we'd had a few days ago, citing it as proof that she'd warned me setting up my appointment that late would cut me short. I don't remember that part. The reality is she probably did and I didn't understand or missed it. The frantic finishing the last problems as fast as I could stressed me out a lot. Yet even that wouldn't have been too bad if she'd approached things differently.

I'm a very easy going person. I really am. If she'd come in and said "hey, the testing center is closing. You have 15 minutes." or even if she'd said the exact same thing in a different tone, I would have dealt with it so much better. The harsh tone put me on edge. Most people get defensive when they feel attacked and having someone speak to you that way definitely feels like an attack. Because of some experiences I've had, it triggered some hard core anxiety. I finished the last problems as fast as I could and exited. She was a bit nicer when I came out, but still insisted on reciting to me the testing center hours. I wanted to say "I get the picture. Pay more attention next time," but I bit my tongue.

At first I was very upset by all of this. I don't do well when people come in aggressively. In the past, this probably would have triggered me into more than a few hours of feeling down. Luckily I'm on medicine! Based on conversations I'd heard before I went in I knew she'd been having a rough day. Maybe she was feeling defensive, like I would attack her about the situation. Maybe she was just done emotionally. Maybe she'd come out of a bad conversation minutes before. There are so many reasons why she might have responded that way, and pretty much none of them have to do with me. Being able to separate that in my head makes a huge difference.

Even with all of this understanding, in the back of my mind there was the voice that said, "see? you worked so hard, didn't get an A, and you manged to screw up a situation and make someone frustrated with you. I told you you weren't good enough". This voice always is in me. It's always trying to find ways to bring me down. It's the part of me that nitpicks away all of the good and leaves the bad exposed. Like I said, I used to let it bring me down. Today I said no.

I am not a failure and an 80% on a test is NOT proof that I'm following the same footsteps I was before. Matter of fact it's a good grade and proof that I worked hard. There are a lot of people who would LOVE to get an 80% on their math tests. I'm honestly grateful I didn't fail! This is my "new Cindy" attitude. New Cindy doesn't let that little negative voice in the back of her head run the show any morel.

This is the new Cindy. Actually, I drew it a long time
 ago, but it's what the new Cindy looks like. Minus the
stick figure part. Oh, and I have a nose. A pretty one.

The old Cindy, the one who let the negative voice wreck havoc on her life, may have given up.  Or at the very least had a hard time getting back up. Not the new Cindy. The new Cindy realizes this situation is just what it is. I worked hard and got a good grade. Next time I'll come in even more prepared. And if all I get in the class is a B, it's still enough for me to go to the next level of math.

I gave myself tonight to let out all my sad feelings. I've learned that I need to do that sometimes or it builds up and I explode. So tonight it's OK for me to be frustrated, sad, and a bit disappointed. Tomorrow, however, I'm back and running. I have homework, a small test to prepare for, and a paper to start. If I don't get back on my feet I will get behind. Getting behind like that will "prove" to that voice it's right. But even if it thinks it's right, it's not. I am doing GREAT and even if I end up having an anxiety attack every day, I will continue to do great.

I am good enough to handle college. It feels so good to say that.

This probably seems like a random post about my life and not about this month's challenge, but it's part of it. If I'm sharing positivity with the world, I need to have a foundation of it in my own life. This post is about me understanding that the negative voice in my head doesn't have to win; that I can be positive regardless of what it says and what I've experienced in the past. To some people that may be a small thing. For me, it's a HUGE step. I'm so grateful I get to experience it!

To wrap this up, I'm going to share with you New Cindy's new motto: If I can't say something nice, I won't say anything at all. Especially not to myself.